Human relationships change. One could say that this is a cliché—because it truly is—yet it remains an existing and lived reality. No matter what human relationship we are talking about, there will be easier and harder, more harmonious and more tense periods. And indeed, sometimes the harder, more tense periods wear down the relationship itself. What used to be taken for granted—namely, that the two of us belong together—suddenly gets called into question.
We are not just thinking of romantic relationships or partnerships here: the parent-child bond, the relationship between siblings, or dimensions of connection among friends can equally be burdened by difficult emotions, regardless of whether these are inherently given family ties or important people chosen freely by us.
This may happen because some serious change has occurred: a death or an illness, for instance; but it is also very common that change in the relationship is not brought on by some dramatic event, but rather sets in imperceptibly, and we suddenly realize that something is heading in a very wrong direction, or that something that used to be there is gone and greatly missed. Often we cannot even name what it is, just somehow there are more and more oppressive and fewer and fewer recharging shared experiences. But there can also be specifics: more arguments and fights, fewer shared activities, less sex; hurtful remarks appear, more criticism and less appreciation are expressed, not to mention potential threats, emotional blackmail, belittling each other, and the list goes on.
What can be done? The first step is always recognition. Whichever party notices the problem first is the one who can initiate a rethinking of the relationship. Sometimes the other party is a partner in this, while other times the reaction is minor or major resistance, or complete withdrawal.
Recognition can be followed by a thorough examination of the situation. Not in the form of: "Why are you like this?" "Why don't you understand?" "Why can't you just behave like you used to?" Sometimes it is worth stepping back a bit and thinking over: What is happening to us right now? How have our needs changed? What do I need? What do you need? Which of our old solutions no longer works? And what can we develop in its place?
Sometimes, you see, it is not that something breaks in the relationship, but rather that we outgrow the way of functioning that worked well until now. Because we have gotten older, or are in a different stage of life, or our tasks and obligations have changed. To mention just one example, relationship research has shown that stress affecting partners and the interactions taking place between them both play a role in how relationship satisfaction evolves. In other words, a "relationship problem" in a given stage of life does not necessarily stem from the relationship itself—it might be that some external influence is unfavorably spilling over into it.
Thus, a change in a relationship does not automatically mean the deterioration of the relationship. (Of course, it is also not true that every difficulty can be turned into a relationship-strengthening developmental opportunity.) Sometimes we simply need to relearn each other because both of us have changed somewhat. At other times, however, we need to thoroughly rethink and shape our relationship. This does not always come easily; in fact, if the situation has already turned very sour, it can mean serious work.
Can every relationship be saved? In any such situation, the question may arise whether the relationship is worth the investment, or whether loosening the ties or terminating the relationship will be the solution. If the parties deem that the relationship is worth it, then it is worth consciously and thoughtfully rebuilding the possibilities of loving connection. If not, then there may be an internal need to take the steps leading to distancing or complete closure while preserving mutual respect and dignity.
Psychological counseling can help those involved together get to the bottom of why exactly their relationship has changed. It can help them think through where the path leads from here: toward the renewed strengthening of the relationship, or toward closure. And once the decision has been made, it can help devise and carry out the steps necessary for it.
